Critterfest 2013
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Critterfest Fan Faction - The Hunt for the Dirty Dunkel

All names kept the same to incriminate the guilty.
It was a warm fall day when we approached the triplex.  Anticipating a day of drinking, I had left my car safely away from the main street, which we called bumper alley for the way drunks liked to careen from side to side off cars, mailboxes, small animals, etc.  I boldy walked into the yard and made a beeline for the menu board; 13 beers!  This was going to be a good day.  Little did I know that there was a monster lurking beneath those ice cold cooler waters - a beatiful delicious beer monster known as the Dirty Dunkelweisen.
I went straight for the belgian brews and quickly made myself a home in Buzzville.  My drinking buddy, Alex, started just as heavy with some of the triple IPA's.  The slow train to Drunkstown had left the station and it was only a matter of time before something fell off the rails.  My first thought that something was going wrong was about drink number four...
"...Man, I feel a dit brunk..." I started, before correcting myself.  "I mean, these beers are STRONG!"
"No kidding," slurred Alex.  "Did you try this tripel?  Holy crap it's good!"
"I think David told me that one was near 20% ABV!" I agreed.  "What's your next drink?"
"I want to try the Dirty Dunkelweisen," he replied.  "Someone over there was raving about it, but I can't seem to find any."
"I need a short break - I'm moving to cider," I meekly responded.
I slowly made my way to the cider keg while Alex continued his search.  Up to his elbows in ice, he wasn't having any luck.  After watching him brave the chill arctic waters for at least ten minutes, I wandered back over to see if I could help.
"No luck, huh?" I asked, nursing my cider.
"I swear there's some in here, I just saw the black bottle cap but lost it!" he responded, sounding desperate.  "The other guy said there was at least 20 of them left, but they aren't anywhere in here!"
"Hang on, let me go ask David and see if he has any around," I replied and stumbled down the grill where David was busy tending to a generous slab of meat that turned out to be half of a wild pig on the grill.  "Man, that smells awesome!" I said, spilling some cider on the fire pit.
"Dude, you drunk?" he laughed.  "Me too!"  He proceeded to replace the cover over the boar.  "What's up?"
"Looking for some of the Dirty Drunkel" I slurred.  "Looks like you may have ran out.  Alex wanted some, but I was getting too drunk so I switched to cider.  Damn good too, I think this is my third."
"Well..." he paused.  "That cider is about 10% alcohol too."
"Son of a bitch!" I swore.  "There's no way in hell I can pace myself on these damn fire water beers!  Shame they're so damn delicious. Anyways, where's the dunkel hiding?"
"I think there's some inside, in the back of the garage," he replied.  "Be subtle though."
I winked back, awkwardly.  "I know subtle, trust me."  [Ed. note: he doesn't know subtle.]
I walked back up to the house and began exploring the garage.  Initially unsuccesful, I moved on the kitchen, the restroom, and even the fish tank.  Nothing.  Returning to the garage, I wearily leaned against the back-up fridge when it creaked open to reveal a secret tunnel.  What the hell, I drunkely thought.  Taking out my cell phone for a light, the passage revealed itself to be a winding staircase moving down, down into the abyss.
"Must be the beer cellar," I mused, picturing aisle upon aisle of aged beers just pleading to be tasted.  The stairs wound down for what felt like hours.  My legs began to ache and my head was spinning from the surprise ciders.  When I finally reached the bottom, the air was surprisingly warm and soft.  I looked around my new surroundings in awe - this was indeed the beer cellar!  There were IPA's and OPA's and lagers and ales, hefe's and tripels and blondes and pales.  A case full of imperials rose above the rest, it's cabinetry wonderful and intricate like the beers themselves.  I was in heaven!

I begun to fill my arms with various beers to try, with my eyes open for the Dunkel.  It should be among the wheats, I thought.  Perhaps there's a dark wheat shelf organized here somewhere?  In my excitement, I didn't notice the floor shifting until, with a great crack, the floor fell right out from under me!  Down I fell into the abyss, downwards and downards until... SLAM!

I awoke on the floor of David's house next to the couch with a splitting headache and to the sounds of laughter. 

"Nice!" laughed David.  "I give you a 4, you couldn't stick the landing!"

"What the...what...what happened?" I managed to stutter.

"You passed out for a while until just now," he responded "when you fell off the couch!"

"Ahh geez!  What about the beer cellar and the secret tunnel and the...where's the Dirty Dunkel?!" I replied.

"Beer cellar?  The hell did you drink?  The Dirty Dunkel's all gone, it ran out a half-" he manged before my cry interrupted him.


And that children, is why you should power through it and not drink cider.